Happy Memories Of An Ex Camgirl – Why I Left My Dream Job

I’ve been in sex work in some way all my life.

My first real job was as a camgirl, where I got my first thrills of showing off for the camera. I enjoyed the way that I was looked at and seen, a vehicle for a fantasy. I say real job because I made real money, in contrast to any other employment I’d had beforehand.

My favourite shows were not simple strip shows. I liked it best when I could walk in the dark with my clients, role playing scenarios they would never share with their wives. In these live shows I became a vessel for taboo sex, submissive impulses and multiple partner encounters.

I lived for it, and got off on it

After a few years of camming, I met another model at a convention. She was fantastically tall and slender, big breasts and a young pretty face. Her skin glittered and she smelt expensive. At this point I had recently entered my thirties, and had never really worn make up in my shows or anywhere else. I wore a large size t shirt and little shorts. Feeling like I’d maybe made a mistake to be here, I felt awkward and out of place. That was until I’d had my third drink and drunkenly kissed my pretty new friend, grinding on a second girl in the ladies toilets.

“I was wondering how you were a camgirl! But now I get it. You’re a nasty girl!”

I grinned like the devil and kissed her again. She saw me.

It wasn’t my best high. In 2014 I took a solo flight out to Asia and used the hotel internet to perform for my regulars. The connection was awful and I needed to use a VPN to appear as though I was in England, which degraded the quality even further. I slashed my prices by half, apologising for the quality and made more money than ever. I spent three months eating fresh fruit and enjoying weekly massages while the UK had it’s freezing winter. It went so well I repeated it the year after, shamelessly telling my new friends my secret to my very long holiday.

But the way I worked cams was hard

Every camgirl webcams differently, and the veterans have their game down to a fine art. Some are able to be their real selves, but it’s far more common to step in to a persona, an entirely different person while you’re on cam. As I was a camgirl who loved to roleplay, particularly the darker scenarios, I embodied a different girl for nearly every client.

Being a camgirl my way was fulfilling, but emotionally exhausting. One moment I would be a naughty step sister who was caught being slutty on camera, the next I would be embodying a needy but pregnant wife who loved and missed her husband dearly. I would give each performance energy and love, typing up client notes after each show, so as not to forget any quirks and fetishes. Not every orgasm was real, but plenty were. By the end of each day I was often struggling. I was giving too much.

Giving too much leads to burnout

I would sometimes take weeks off at a time and rely on credit cards and scarce video sales. I beat myself up over it. It was difficult, wanting to be able to give more of myself and to be able to stay in the experience longer. The truth was I was happiest in the dark and perverse minds of my creations, being caught up in the details of their encounters. So why couldn’t I do it all day every day?

“I love my work so much, but I can’t do my work for long enough to make the money I want to make” is a tricky thing to grapple with.

Some days I felt like I would cam forever. Other days I wished I could earn my money some other way. In my darkest days I imagined going back to work in an office or on a shop floor, having been spoilt with the true joy of earning a weeks wage for a few hours of sheer pleasure and fulfilment.

My clients were rarely mean or rude, but they were often demanding in what they wanted from me. During down time, my inbox filled with emails expressing how I was missed and if shows were available. Can you be booked in advance?

Can I see you today, please respond?

I clung to the work, reinventing my schedule, attacking my burn out with any weapon I had. This is my love, my dream job, my clients adore me and I adore them. I can express myself, work at home, and not concern myself much with the real world outside it. Until I could do better, this was my path. But I couldn’t ignore how much downtime I seemed to need, and the need for it grew bigger all the time.

And there were other problems too. As I got older, I became more aware of my body and my drift from what was considered to be physically beautiful. My earnings had not slowed down, as I became more well known I gathered more and more regulars who wanted to spend their time with me online. My physical body didn’t seem to matter to anyone. But I didn’t like how it made me feel to be aware of it. I noticed when my stomach bloated, how my skin felt more dry and my breasts were less tight and firm.

My cam shows relied on my confident ability to embody a fantasy. I was nothing without it. There are so many sex workers in their 40s and 50s, I knew in my mind there would never be any barrier to my earning money in this way, no matter how old I became. But if I lost my body confidence, the show would begin to crack. My characters and I would become more awkward and less real. Low confidence days were low income days and I would sign off early to spend the evening in existential crisis.

It was a fight in my own mind that got harder as time went on. I had my audience and there was always someone who wanted to pay to play if I turned up horny and confident.

At some point, I realised I wanted more than camming could give me

I wanted to grow and I was ready for it. By the time the realisation came, I’d been camming on and off for over ten years. I had used 4 performer names in that time, and cum for strangers hundreds of times.

I began to learn to build websites in 2018 and in 2019, after a brief return to cam during the summer, I turned off the webcam with no immediate plans to return. It didn’t feel final, and it still doesn’t. But it felt like I was like I was growing and changing in the correct direction. My time was better spent on other projects.

And after all, I can return to my cam room at any time.

These Camgirls Want To Cum…

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